Handling difficult conversations/disagre-ements...

I need to do better at this!

1. LET GO OF YOUR NEED TO BE RIGHT

If your goal is to convince them that they are wrong and win the argument, they will likely get defensive. A mutually validating conversation is not about being right and getting your way; it's about making both parties feel heard and understood, honoring and respecting the other's right to feel the way they do. 

2. MAKE SURE YOU SEE THE OTHER PERSON AS THE SAME AS YOU

This means that you don't see yourself as smarter, wider, more educated, more morally right or above the other person. You remind yourself that you have faults, too, and you both have the same intrinsic value. This prevents you from talking down to others, which will always offend them. It can also prevent you from feeling intimidated or less than another person.

3. SET YOUR AGENDA AND FEELINGS ASIDE UP FRONT

This means you are going to start the conversation with only one goal in mind: to ask questions, listen, understand and make sure the other person feels fully heard, honored and respected. The conversation should not be all about you and your views. You need to dedicate yourself upfront to caring about how the other person feels.

4. ASK THE OTHER PERSON QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

Ask the other person how they feel about the issue/topic. You should ask questions that show your desire to understand their point of view. Make sure you don't agree or disagree in this step. It's not about you yet.

5. ASK PERMISSION TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS

After you have spent time listening and you can tell the other person feels heard, you can ask permission to share your feelings. For example, "I hear you" or "I can see your point". Then, "Is it okay with you if I share some of my thoughts?" If the person is not in a place to do that, you must respect that. 

6. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH WITHOUT ATTACKING THE OTHER PERSON

You can do this by using "I" statements rather than "you" statements, i.e, "You don't take this seriously," Instead try saying something like, "I really feel like I need to take this seriously."  

Focus on the future, not the past. Avoid bringing up any behavior from the past by saying things like, "I feel like you never care what I think, remember last...?"

Basically, make sure you don't insist on making the other person wrong, you just have different perspectives and both deserve to be honored.

7. FIND WAYS TO COMPROMISE

You can ask if there's anything you can do to help the other person feel more comfortable. Work to show the other person that you are not out to make them wrong for force your way; you just want to find a way to make everyone happy.