Thoughts on God

Recently, I received a text message from a dear family member who recently lost her daughter, who was killed in an automobile accident this year. I thought the questions were very thought provoking and with her permission, I wanted to share her and other's thoughts on God.  

It feels right to start by quoting her request at the time:

"I'm sending this note to many friends. I’m honestly seeking out insight to my questions. Please answer as honestly as you can. Thanks in advance for your time in replying. Means so much to me. 

My daughter passes away in a tragic car accident. God doesn’t protect her from the car accident, though I have heard countless stories of those who have felt protected or warned from God. I think about these things often. I guess as a parent, I would try to be there for not one of my children, but both. I wouldn’t refuse help for one and give to another. It’s not within me to do that. 

Some people have said it was her time to go. Ooh, I struggle with that. God is God. God certainly doesn’t need her more than her family. 

Some people have one person praying for them. Others, none. Some have 100,000 followers on Instagram praying for them. Is God a tally marker and the more prayers you get, well God provides more and heals them? Or does God see the person who is alone and no prayers are offered and still is with them, comforting them?

I’m in a wrestle with God. My daughter is the most loving, kind, beautiful human. Everyone felt loved and accepted by her. She never wanted to be the center of attention, yet when she provided space to listen to you.... well, you felt the center of her attention. She is so grace-filled and empathetic. We need more souls like her on earth. 

I’m asking your thoughts on this. Do we create our own God to fit our needs and provide answers? Do we find someone who was healed or protected and attribute that to God's love and mercy? What about those on the sidelines, who are waiting and waiting and no healing and protection comes? It’s all worth considering.

Or as my wise friend and husband says, “Maybe life just happens.” Yes, maybe life just happens and God lets it play out. 

I don’t want to be a pawn in God's life game. No! Maybe God just wept for us and our daughter when she died. 
But it will be a cold day in hell when I believe God extends his hand to save some, to protect some, to warn some and not others.

I’d really like your thoughts. Our daughter is still very much alive and aware. I know she misses us as much as we miss her.

Where is God's place in all of this? 

Some of my friends don’t necessarily believe in a God. I would like your thoughts also. Please!

Someone asked me, "What or who is your greatest comfort in her passing?" Easy answer — my daughter. She is my balm. She shows up for me always. I just need to listen and equally show up for her. 

She also nudges others to reach out and send messages to us. Visit us. Text us. Send a card or call us. She is pretty damn amazing. 

Looking forward to hearing from you. Please, please take the time. I really want and need your words. I will read all responses."

I thoughtfully pondered how I should respond. Even though I have had much experience with loss, each person's grief is different. Would I be able to provide any words of comfort? The only thing I could do was to be as honest about my own experiences as possible and this was my response:

"I have been thoughtfully pondering your questions, hoping I could find some helpful insight or words of wisdom for you. I think that those of us in this club are all questioning these same things. I'm still struggling to find answers myself and trying to trust in God. It's not easy.

I live with guilt from failing at my two most important jobs - wife and especially mother. Chris and Brayden chose to gamble with their lives, but why didn't God inspire me to find them before it was too late? Why wasn't I able to save them or give them what they needed to live in this world without drugs? Or is he punishing me for my mistakes? Am I not worthy enough to receive his promptings?

I have a friend whose brother died in an avalanche at Aspen Grove, Utah. She grew up in the church and believed that God is able to bring on or prevent natural disasters and was sure that he could have, should have prevented the avalanche and saved her brother and his friends - two others were also taken. She was angry with God for several years. She blamed him for her loss. After about six years of this, she had a dream where God asked her something like, "How can you question me and my plan for my children? How can you believe that you love him anymore that I do? He is my child." She still struggles with missing her brother and understanding why we have to experience this kind of loss, but she has been able to find forgiveness and peace.

I don't think we'll ever understand God's plan in this life and that's hard to accept.

People said the same things to me: "It was their time to go." "They weren't able to progress any further here so God needed them to come and be with Him." "He has a purpose for them that only He can help them achieve there." The latter two actually do bring me comfort. 

I haven't felt my loved ones the way you have felt your daughter. I question why others say they can feel or have seen their loved ones after they pass and why I haven't been given that gift. I'm only just starting to accept that maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe they know it wouldn't bring me peace at this time. 

For me, and I don't know if I'm just telling myself these things in order to survive, but I'm choosing to believe that God is real and that he has a kind of wisdom and sight that I can't comprehend. And I can be patient and trust in him. 

I have to believe that Chris and Brayden still live because without that hope, I would not be able to go on. 

If God is real and is our Father, then he must cherish every one of his children equally but in his wisdom understands that each of his children need different things for their ultimate progression. 

I think we all probably do create our own image of God in one way or another in order to survive our individual circumstances. I ask my God every day for the strength to keep breathing and moving and to have the patience to wait for his answers in his time. 

Your daughter is most definitely a guardian angel and maybe God needs her there to help more people that she would have been able here on earth. 

~Special thanks to Shari, Aly and Jenni ~