This is Still a Good Life

I never thought this would be my life. Waking up every morning to this new reality can be daunting at times. Some days are harder than others. There have been times when I open my eyes in the morning, realizing that another day has passed and pray to God that I will have the strength to keep breathing and endure until the next one comes. One day at a time. Just keep breathing. 

As many of you know, losing someone you love feels like the universe punched you in the gut, knocking the air out of your body and unlike a physical punch, your breath won't come back for much longer. Especially when that loss comes suddenly and unexpected. At first there's a complete shock. Everything in the background disappears - fading from sight and sound. This can't be happening. No! No! No! God! Nu-huh-ho. No!!!! 

The sky just fell, the world turned upside down, but why didn't it stop for everyone else? Why doesn't the rest of the world know that one of its most precious souls is gone? I must shout it to the world. Let them know how great he was. 

Then maybe denial sets in. You'll wake up every day expecting it to be just as before the last. You'll see your loved one as usual. You'll hug them, kiss them, hold them. You'll discuss your plans for the day. 

There's a deep ache that cannot be described comprehensibly. Only to someone who's felt it before. It hardens your heart, exhausts your mind and ages your body. A piece of your soul is missing. Stolen away too soon and it's not fair.

I'm happy to report that, for me, those days are fewer and farther between now. Time marches on whether you want it to or not. That's so cliche but so true. The earth continues to rotate around the sun. Your body still needs food and water. One day you'll even enjoy food again. Someone or something will make you smile or laugh out loud again. Maybe you'll soon be exited for a new day. 

What can we possibly learn from this? Well, for me, I know what I'm supposed to learn. I know what Chris and Brayden want for me. That much is clear. I am supposed to work on my self-worth. They want me to be as whole and as happy as possible when I see them again. They're progressing and so should I. Brayden especially doesn't want me to hurt for too long. He doesn't want me to be weighed down by guilt. But I am. I don't know that I'll be able to change that in this life because I'm a mother and I will feel like I failed at my most important job. And that's alright, as long as it pushes me to become better. Maybe I'll be able to help save someone else's child. 

Now we're ready for acceptance... this is still a good life!